You Want ME to do WHAT??

Bendy. Pliable. Moldable. As a follower of Christ, I have to allow myself to be shaped and remade again and again. Sometimes that means stretched to breaking so I can be put back together again. Every time it happens I am shocked, pained, and panicked. What is happening? Why am I so out of control? Until I see the end result. I am being made new – yet again. Seriously? Am I not done yet??
Most of my life, I have had a job that I could handle. School. I could do school. Sure, sometimes it was stressful or didn't go as well as I had hoped, but I could use my own efforts to get the grade and learn the material – plus I really liked social life, and I was really good at that part. Then I graduated and started teaching. I loved teaching. It was challenging, but it was a challenge I was ready to accept. I could go to workshops and read books to expand my skills to be a great teacher - maybe even my students' favorite teacher (quite the coveted title). Then, we had our daughter and I was blessed enough to be able to stay home with her until she started kindergarten. Endless crafts, activities, reading books snuggled on the couch, putting together puzzles and baking banana bread. That I could do. I bake a mean loaf of banana bread.
Then, while at a women's event at New Life, a friend who I greatly respect and love gave me a gentle nudge with these words, "I am sure you have prayed about this, but every time I pray about our new children's pastor I get your name. Just think about it." And there it was. Like a punch in the gut; God finally audibly calling to me while I was ignoring His whispers. I immediately reminded God of all the reasons why this was a ridiculous idea and perhaps this friend had some sort of mental melt-down. Why me? Who am I? I can't do it. The job is just too big.
As I sought counsel from my best sounding boards, they were unanimous in their response. “Why not you?” And in what seemed like a whirlwind of events, God placed me in this position of great responsibility and great reward. Funny thing though; I am still just me. He has yet to magically grant me with everything I feel like I need to get the job done on my own. On almost a daily basis I ask Him again, "Are you really sure about this?" Again and again He reminds me that this is the first time I have truly relied on Him daily. And, I have found the feeling I have – this feeling of resting heavily on Him to pull this thing off - is the best feeling I could ever have. He gets to prove Himself faithful every single day. I get to be on the front row of life to see Him come through every time.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)
Where is God leading you that you are resisting because you are not enough? What is God speaking to you that you are ignoring because you aren’t capable of it? What is God saying to you that you are responding to Him with, “Are you crazy?” Are you supposed to start a daily devotion time? Reach out to a co-worker? Start a new job? Volunteer in an area at church? Sell your car to get out of debt? End a relationship? Start a family? Step out. God is strong enough. He will equip you with everything you need. He will draw near to you when you draw near to Him. It might not be comfortable, but just see what He can do. By stepping out of your comfort zone, you leave yourself no option but to rely on Him. Don’t rely on yourself. Rely on the radical, bloody, gloriously liberating, magnificent, and life-changing truth of the Gospel. Get bendy. Pliable. Moldable. I know One who can make you into something new and pretty darn amazing if you let Him have His way.
May God, who puts all things together,
makes all things whole,
Who made a lasting mark through the sacrifice of Jesus,
the sacrifice of blood that sealed the eternal covenant,
Who led Jesus, our Great Shepherd,
up and alive from the dead,
Now put you together, provide you
with everything you need to please him,
Make us into what gives him most pleasure,
by means of the sacrifice of Jesus, the Messiah.
All glory to Jesus forever and always! - Hebrews 13: 20-21 (The Message)

Call it Like You See it

The other day I read that if you tell yourself you are a runner, you are more likely to lace up your jogging shoes and put it into action. How simple is this statement, yet how deeply profound can we let it be? What if I adopted it and let it sink into every crevice of my life? What if I applied it to areas I sell myself short on daily?

If you tell yourself you are a good housekeeper, you are more likely to pick up a dust rag. If you tell yourself that you are a good friend, you are more likely to dial the phone. If you tell yourself you are a good cook, you are more likely to try out new recipes. If you tell yourself you have a good prayer life, you are more likely to approach the throne more often.

I think that many of us, myself listed as offender #1, have a constant conversation in our heads telling ourselves all the things we are not good at. I know that as a classroom teacher, the students lived up to my expectations of them. So, if I expected too little, I got little. Is this the cycle we create? We expect to fail and then are not shocked when that happens. What if we turned that idea of our own world on its axis. What if we told ourselves that we were something? Maybe we would become it.

This is not about lying to myself. I have no desire to be a triathlete or to host a talk show. I know my limitations. However, sometimes I expect too many results from myself while the talk in the back of my head is saying that I am not very good at it anyway. I am slicing my insides with a double edged sword that I have no shield for.

I am in the middle of a Beth Moore study. This week is all about believing I am who God says I am. I am loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven. What if these were the words that were running around in my head when I thought of who I am? What would it look like to people on the outside if those were the words rumbling around on the inside? What if who I am in God's eyes was my shield from my own damning talk? God sees the beginning and then end, and He still chose me. I am not finished yet, no, my story is not over.

So, my desire is to know God more. My desire is to live the fruits of the spirit. My desire is to seek Truth and find it. This week is about seeking the truth about me. God has revealed it through His Word and through His still soft voice. I am listening to my own voice telling me that I am what I want to be: A lover of the Word, an intercessor, a loving wife and mother, a good friend, someone with wisdom to share, and someone who's greatest desire is to see my friends and family become a part of the Kingdom.

Oh Lord, shape me so that my life on the outside mirrors those words You have placed on the inside.

He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That's why it is said, "Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right." But it's not just Abraham; it's also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God. 

Romans 4: 20-25 (The Message)

Consistently Inconsistent

It is the beginning of the school year. I have new pencils, paper, backpack, books. I arrive early to school after donning my new clothes, spending an hour getting ready and eating a healthy breakfast. I read the syllabus with every intention of following it to the letter. I head straight home from practice to complete my homework and maybe even read ahead for the next day. Before bed, I lay out the clothes for tomorrow. I am on top of it. I am setting myself up for success.

Fast forward 3 months...My backpack is crammed with papers from the second week of school. Somewhere under those is a pencil...there has to be. I know I did my homework in the car on the way to school this morning, but where did I put it? Maybe it is under the McDonald's wrapper from my breakfast that caused me to be late to class. What time is that orchestra concert tonight? Did I tell my family about it at all? Oh, dang, did I remember deodorant today?

This cycle is my life. I start everything out with the best intentions. The new car, the clean house, the organized closet, the prayer journal full of pages to fill, the hand weights and new running shoes, the new devotional book. I am good at getting things started. I know how to organize, plan, prepare. I like the feeling of fresh starts and new beginnings. Then, the task that seemed so new and crisp turns to an old limp habit. Something that made me feel productive and happy transforms to something that feels like a time-consuming obligation.

So, to fight this, I tend to give up completely. I don't even try. I throw my shoes in my closet and leave cups with banana peels in my car. (Ok, not forever, but until I have amassed a small collection.) I leave the devotional books in the basement where I can't fail to read them because I didn't try. I put the running shoes on the bottom of the stack. What is the point of starting fresh when my flame of excitement will just flicker out sooner rather than later? It is such a frustrating part of me. Maybe the part of me that gets me the most down on myself. The all-consuming roller coaster of my life. That part of me that I can't let go.

When I think of surrender, I don't think I imagine this part of me being surrendered. This is the part of me that is all about what I can do. It is about me working to be better. Working to have it all together.

Romans 7: 17-20 (The Message) 

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

So, if I am going to fail, does that mean I don't try? No! Every time I try, I do a little better. I last a little longer. God teaches me something about myself, and I stand up and start again. I do this with confidence that it is not my failure that God sees, but the heart of someone who wants to please Him. It is the fact that I am leaning on grace and mercy to get through this life. I am so thankful that it is there for each of us. His grace is there to cover up the messes I leave behind. Where would I be without it? ...Most likely, sifting through banana peels and running shoes just to find one sharpened pencil.

What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily. Galatians 2: 19-21 (The Message)

Exorcist Moments

This morning we had what we have come to refer to as exorcist moments. Our daughter occasionally loses her mind to the point where we really think that at any moment her head will begin to rotate on its axis and fire will shoot out of her eyeballs. She has an intensity that I have never seen before. I certainly do not possess her strong will or fire, and while my husband does, he thankfully has a degree more self-control than she does. Sometimes these moments are brought on by something simple like which shoes she is going to wear (those don't match and these aren't comfortable - therefore, I am going to blow.) Other times, like this morning, we are greeted with the screaming the moment her eyes are open (mind you, our eyes are not yet open, so this is a great way to wake up.)

This morning, it was Ryan's turn to get up with Ellie (and the angels sing, do you hear them?). He travels a lot, so when he is home, we take turns getting up with her and making her breakfast. I think this might be the best system in the world. So, she starts off the day upset because she can't find her stuffed frog. Then, she moves on to a tantrum about not being able to open a box. She spirals downward until no one (especially her) knows why she is upset. I lay in the safety of my bed listening to the storm brewing in the hallway. I listen as my husband continues to keep the same even tone as he tries to talk her down. (I am feeling a little guilty for staying in my hiding place, but he is just doing such a great job, I hate to interrupt it...) I hear banging, screaming, and other unidentifiable sounds. This goes on for an hour and a half (and no, I did not stay in bed the whole time). This child has staying power. Finally, she throws down one more outright disobedient trick and we both watch as Ryan carries the new Barbie house from Santa out to the "trash". Here is where my stomach is sick and I am praying that this is just a bluff. Surely he is not throwing out the house that Santa spent so much money on and time to put together, right? (Trash comes on Saturday this week - please earn it back, child...)

And how is she now? Perfect. Once she has calmed down, she is back to her sweet self, full of "I love you's", hugs, and artistic pictures drawn for us. She can channel her brain power and read books for an hour and a half. She can do a 100 piece puzzle. She can make up songs or sing every word to a whole songbook of Beatles hits. She can navigate the web or play a video game. She has so much brilliance in that little head, I just pray that she can use it in a positive way. I hope that we can direct her as her parents to be able to make good choices and to practice self-control. If we don't accomplish that, then exorcist moments when she is 13 might have us calling for reinforcements. Right now, I am most thankful that these moments are not constant, or we might all be in lock down already.

On a Pilgrimage for Truth

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. -Abraham Lincoln


Ryan asked me the other day, "What should our untimate quest be?" Wanting to receive my gold sticker for the day, I answered with, "Jesus." (and a smile, 'cause I was right.) "Nope," he says, "Truth. It will lead you to Jesus, sure, but Truth is what we should strive for."

Sitting at dinner with my family, I was confronted with this. "What is truth?" They had an answer of their own. "Well, it is subjective. My truth is not your truth." What is good for you may not be good for me. Anything goes, really. - We were in a no limits conversation. If you have a thought, just throw it out there regardless of little ears or appropriate bounds. Most of the time, the conversation comes back around to how ridiculous all of those Jesus followers are anyway. -It seems to me that those who know the least about God have the most negative things to say about Him and His people. Those who have read the Bible the least have the most commentary to share about it.

In an earlier post, I said, "How can you value something in someone if you yourself do not understand it? How can you see something in someone that you do not recognize?" Once again, I have been trying to listen to these words. Again I found myself surrounded with those who would deny and mock the God I serve. Deny that which gives me life. Mock the one who engulfs my heart in love.

Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.

I feel like a failure when I can not find the words to shine a light on Truth, especially with my family. I look like a hypocrite when I sit silently while my God is being denied. I realize that God is not afraid to be questioned or denied. In fact, this just gives Him a chance to show His glory even more in the end. I also know that no words of mine will change a heart.  It is only an encounter with Christ that will change a heart and mind.

John 6:61-65
Jesus sensed that his disciples were having a hard time with this and said, "Does this throw you completely? What would happen if you saw the Son of Man ascending to where he came from? The Spirit can make life. Sheer muscle and willpower don't make anything happen. Every word I've spoken to you is a Spirit-word, and so it is life-making. But some of you are resisting, refusing to have any part in this." (Jesus knew from the start that some weren't going to risk themselves with him. He knew also who would betray him.) He went on to say, "This is why I told you earlier that no one is capable of coming to me on his own. You get to me only as a gift from the Father."

A run-in with the creator is the only thing that will transform a life. This is like a weight being lifted off of me. No words I say, nothing I do, can draw a man to God. It is only a personal encounter with the One who pours His Grace out that can change anything. But I so long to see them have that encounter. Once you have had an experience with the One, you can no longer deny His existence. Something in the depths of you has changed. All of you is brand new. Truth reaches out and grabs you and you can finally doubt your doubts. Holes can be poked into you self-made theology and all of the selfish, pleasure-seeking, convenient lies you have told yourself can drain back into the pit from which you were saved. You look back on your life and wonder at how you even lived it without the knowledge and all-encompassing experience of the Truth.

  

If truth is subjective, then what, exactly, is the point? There is no search for truth because it does not exist. Even your doubts about truth are you coming to a conclusion about something, and how is that possible when there is not right and wrong - no moral compass to direct you? If truth is subjective, how can we have laws or any boundaries at all? Who gets to use their truth to direct you? I just see so many holes in this argument, I feel like I am talking circles just trying to understand it.

If there is no search for Truth, then I think we can pack it in and call it a life. I guess you can go ahead and live it up first. Do as many thrill-seeking, self-destructive behaviors as you can before the lights go out and your time on earth is over. Just spend your days on earth doing whatever makes you feel happy, or numb, or entertained. Even saying that makes me feel hollow and causes me to long for something more for them. For myself.

I know the Truth. As John 8:32 says, "Then you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free." I have been set free from myself. I have been set free from living to please me and my earthly body. I am free to love others and to allow someone else to change me from the inside out. I am free from trying to live up to some standard or rules, but instead to allow the Grace of God to do what it was purposed to do. When I really allow God's Grace to cover me, I am truly free to worship and have intimate interactions with an Infinite God.

John 4:23
"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

But, what if truth subjective after all? What if I am wrong, even in my certainty? This is what I know. My life has meaning. My life is rich with Love and Grace. My life is worth living because of the One who died so that it may be. "I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia." - C.S. Lewis. My prayer is that those I love will decide to join me on this journey next to a God who has already forgiven them but waits only for them to accept it. I pray that they will choose to finally listen to the Voice that calls to them when they are quiet and most honest with themselves about what is lacking in their lives. I hope that one day they can love Him because He loved them first, whether they believed it or not.