Seeking Grace

Today I did something I always imagine doing, but never find time. I went to the park with a book, sat in the sun, listened to nature, and enjoyed our world. While Ellie was at school, I actually took time to stop, instead of running as fast as I could from errand to errand and chore to chore. (Don't stop by later because my house is not very clean...)

I have recently found a new love for non-fiction. I think I can almost completely attribute this to my current attempt to be more self-reflective. It actually gives my brain something to think about other than the monotony of daily life - what to feed my family, what to wear, what  I can do to stimulate my preschooler's mind, what  gifts need to be purchased, what I can do to keep up with everyone else, etc.Throughout high school and college I would always tell people that the second a book started to make me feel like I was learning something or becoming a better person, I put it down. I still see a valid point in this. Reading is a thing I like to do for pure enjoyment, not for learning or growing. However, I have a new reason to read, a new focus. I am no longer trying to be a better person (which I decidedly fail at every time), but trying to know God more. To know His character. To fully embrace what He is offering. To see Him in everyday life, in everything I do.

Right now, I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I have read parts of his books, but am finally completing one start to finish. Manning is a Christian who, after being a follower of Christ for many years, became an alcoholic. It might seem like a coincidence, but my life is rapidly filling (either first-hand, or through books, etc.) with many people who have sinned greatly, even while in relationship with God. Being in relationship with God does not guarantee that we will walk blameless. Yes, in God's eyes, we are, but human we remain. We will continue to sin. We continue to seek forgiveness, but we do not repent to be forgiven. We repent because we are forgiven already, and we do this out of gratitude.

I am learning to balance (my favorite thing...learning balance in all of life) discipline with Grace. Many Christians would argue that there need be no balance because we should always be striving to be "better people". While I am not arguing that point, I will say that our greatest efforts for God are mere rags tossed at His feet. We can never truly be righteous enough for Him without accepting Grace. Manning says, "The danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth. Complacency in ourselves then replaces sheer delight in God's unconditional love. Our doing becomes the very undoing of the ragamuffin gospel." I have seen this happen in my own life. I become self-righteous about things I think I deserve a gold sticker for. This seems to negate any actual righteousness I have demonstrated.

This is a disease spreading not only through my life, but through the church at large. The "social gospel" seems to be the new religion for many in my generation. There is new fire for the widow, poor, and orphans. For doing more, doing more, doing more. Yes, we should be caring for the least of these. Jesus tells us to. No, we should not do these things because we are supposed to do them or because it will be those works which get us to heaven or into right relationship with God. Out of the abundance of our heart these things should flow. When we focus intently on God's perfection and the fact that He accepts us just as we are, our hearts fill up. From this overflow we can reach out to others. Luke 7:47 says, "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." We who have been forgiven so much will love greatly because we are so loved ourselves. Our focus seems to be on what we do rather than who God is.

I feel like there is a lot of tugging on an invisible rope not only in the church, but in our world right now. Social Gospel vs. Grace. The Green Movement hype vs. actual factual evidence. Democrat vs. Republican. The media can leave those of us listening to someone other than the liberal voices feeling a little like a black duck in a pond of pure white swans. They leave us feeling like we must do more, be better, reach out, hope in government. Do something quickly to earn your white swan-hood or be left to drift in your murky pond with the handful of  black ducks left. There is no middle ground. Swim with the swans or be left behind.

So, to me, life is all about learning and finding balance. It is about sitting by a pond and listening to the Voice. It is about growing and learning. Not so much me growing and learning, but about me growing in relationship with God and learning about Him. My encounters with God will undoubtedly leave me changed. However, my focus is shifted from myself to my God. From my own attempts at righteousness to His perfect righteousness. Out of this abundance, may I speak and act, not for my own glory, but His.

The Throne

My small group is reading the book, "Crazy Love". We just started, so I have only read chapter one. The author, Francis Chan, focuses on getting back to basics in this chapter. For me, it is not only getting back to basics, but looking at God in a bigger way than before. It is allowing Him to be as majestic as He really is. I think I have put restrictions on Him, but in truth, we can never exaggerate just how amazing He is because we can't ever truly comprehend it. Our words can never describe it. It is overwhelming, but also a comfort to know that someone who created our universe still cares about my well-being.

As I have been contemplating just how amazing my God is, I took the advice of the book. I read Revelation 4. It describes the throne room of my Lord. Or, at least John (the author of Revelation) tries to describe the throne room. How can we put earthly words to something supernatural?

(From The Message - Revelation 4:2-4) I was caught up at once in deep worship and, oh!—a Throne set in Heaven with One Seated on the Throne, suffused in gem hues of amber and flame with a nimbus of emerald. Twenty-four thrones circled the Throne, with Twenty-four Elders seated, white-robed, gold-crowned. Lightning flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne. Seven fire-blazing torches fronted the Throne (these are the Sevenfold Spirit of God). Before the Throne it was like a clear crystal sea.

Here is where I start to cry. If I really read this and really try to picture it, it astounds me. Imagine, the God who came to save me - the same on who sent His Son to hang on a cross, sitting on a throne made of gems and a nimbus (or a luminous vapor) of emerald. (in the NIV, it describes it as a rainbow resembling an emerald). I am sure this is not doing justice to what the throne actually looks like, but how can you describe something you have never seen before? In front of the throne are burning torches and underneath is clear like a crystal sea. What does this mean? Is it as though God is suspended on this throne over a sea of glass while the gems and rainbows of color and fire reflect off of the surface?And then my favorite part, "Lightening flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne." How will we be able to stand here? How can we fathom this astonishing power? How can this awesome force that can not sit still in a throne without a storm raging around Him love me?

(Revelation 4:6-8) Prowling around the Throne were Four Animals, all eyes. Eyes to look ahead, eyes to look behind. The first Animal like a lion, the second like an ox, the third with a human face, the fourth like an eagle in flight. The Four Animals were winged, each with six wings. They were all eyes, seeing around and within. And they chanted night and day, never taking a break:

   Holy, holy, holy
   Is God our Master, Sovereign-Strong,
   The Was, The Is, The Coming. 

Next, we have these creatures from Narnia covered in eyes roaming around the throne chanting. Over and over again. It might drive a person crazy to hear this monotonous chant. Unless, you are so wrapped up in this amazing wonder to even hear it happening over and over. Unless you are awe struck by the thunder and lightening and jewels and these creatures looking at you from the inside out. "The Was, The Is, The Coming". I talked about this recently in my post "Ancient of Days". Always has been, always will be - still makes my head hurt. These creatures are constant reminders of the timelessness of God. We are trapped in a time and place, but He is not. He is all time and all places.

(Revelation 4:9-11) Every time the Animals gave glory and honor and thanks to the One Seated on the Throne—the age-after-age Living One—the Twenty-four Elders would fall prostrate before the One Seated on the Throne. They worshiped the age-after-age Living One. They threw their crowns at the foot of the Throne, chanting,

   Worthy, O Master! Yes, our God!
   Take the glory! the honor! the power!
   You created it all;
   It was created because you wanted it.

Finally, as if the bangs and lightening and rainbows of color and gems and scary creatures and chanting were not enough, we have 24 elders (probably people we know if I were to guess...like David, Isaiah, Paul?). These white haired elders fall prostrate before the Throne. They throw their crowns down and chant their praise to God. They are awe struck every time the creatures do this and thrown into worship themselves.

So, we are supposed to stand here one day? We are supposed to gaze upon the beauty of our Lord? The Israelites were afraid to look at God for fear they might die by doing so. I can understand the fear. I think this is something "The Shack", by William P. Young, might be pointing to as well. God is someone to fear, but He is also Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He is man and He is God. He is thunder and lightening, and He is a still small voice. He is justice and punishment, and He is forgiveness and mercy.

The creator of the universe sits on this Throne being worshiped for who He is, but the creator of the universe wants a relationship with me. This makes me think twice about coming straight to the Throne with my fears, struggles, requests, even praise. It makes me want to stop, take off my shoes, get on my knees, fall on my face, and just sit there. Bask in this presence. Fear my Lord. Knowing that He is willing to hear me, but waiting and giving Him honor first. Honor in my silence. Honor in just sitting in awe of Him.

A Balancing Act

It seems to me that our lives as followers of Jesus are full of contradictions. I recently read the first half of Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. I stopped to read Grace is for Sinners by Serena Wood. Going back to Foster has proved difficult.

While reading the first book, I was determined and ready for what I could do to deepen my relationship with God; with what I could do to become stronger, more mature, more righteous. At the same time, I was feeling a bit condemned already, knowing that I am bound to fail in each discipline virtually every day. 

Reading Serena's book, I was faced with the truth that nothing I do can provide any more Grace in my life than I have already been given. The Cross was and is the ultimate sacrifice, and all of those steps I take to become "more like Jesus" only provide a way for me to become self-righteous in all that I am doing for God.

So where is the balance? I know, for example, that when Jesus referred to fasting in Matthew 6:16, that He phrased it this way, "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.". He is not focusing on the importance of the discipline of fasting, but assuming that as believers that we do it naturally, and He is giving teaching on how to do it correctly and without calling attention to ourselves.

I know that solitude and prayer and simplicity and fasting all play a role in allowing me to see the Heart of God more clearly, but how do I incorporate these into my daily living without patting myself on the back; therefore deleting the effect they should have on me and my relationship with my Creator? And, if I do somehow manage to keep my ego out of the picture, what do these disciplines really look like in my daily life as a wife and mom?  To steal a line from Alicia Chole in Intimate Conversations (page 18), "...intimacy with God is not on hold, waiting for me to control my environment and carve out serene aromatic spaces." Sometimes, as I read a book like Celebration of Discipline, this is the picture I have and I know I will fall short. I know already that distractions are waiting the minute the book is closed.

On the flip side, how do I fully rely on the Grace that has been freely given without living a life of faith without works? Romans and James are at it again. Tugging at each other until that perfect balance is achieved.

So, while I contemplate this see-saw of life that I am on, I am thankful for this: I have a God who wrestles with me. I have a God with all of the answers. I have a God who appreciates that I am on this teeter-totter with Him and loves me even when I am just sitting on the ground or hanging in the air.

I have a God who is not afraid to watch this teeter-totter go up and down a million times in my life, because He knows how my story ends. And there is my balance.