Clarity

"My mistakes make me grateful for His mercy. My blunders make me aware of His blessing, and my inability to undo makes me desperate for His sweet Holy Spirit's control in my life." -Jennifer Rothschild

Sometimes, God is not subtle. Sometimes He keeps telling you the same thing over and over again until you get it. Or, at least until you stop and listen. I feel like I am listening to a record player that is skipping to the same part over and over again, replaying the same show on my DVR, traveling the same bumpy road as yesterday and the day before. The same message keeps jumping out at me from behind bushes and closet doors. Sin. Grace. Our constant need for a savior. Over and over again.

In the not so distant past, I had the thought, "You know, I really don't know what my sins are these days." I knew I sinned because, I am human and we always do. I thought that perhaps even that thought itself was a sin because I was puffing myself up. So, I kept praying for God to shine a spotlight on me when I did sin so that I would recognize it and repent and move in the right direction. Sin used to be so blatant for me when I was younger. Underage drinking, gossip, pushing boundaries on inappropriate physical relationships, cussing, thinking bad thoughts about people. Then something happened. I got older and some of these became obsolete. Some of these sins that I worked so hard trying to avoid were no longer sins for me (ie: I turned 21 and got married). Or I saw them in a different light which made me reconsider the inherent sinful nature of them in the first place.

So, what did God do? Does he shine a beacon on me when I speak negatively about someone who I don't really know or sound an alarm when I lose my temper? Does He yell down to me when I am selfish or whisper behind His mighty hand to Jesus when I lay my head down while angry? No, but I will say those things are more apparent to me when I do them (which is more frequently I like admit). I do feel a bit of a nudge when I misstep, and for that I am humbled and grateful. What He has done instead of shouting my sins from the heavens is tell me what He does when I do fall. When I fail to live up to the holy person he calls me because of Christ in me.

When I come up short of what I feel I should be doing, God has a message for me. It is stuck on repeat in my head. -- I do not offer Grace as a one time installment. Instead, each time you fail I get to display my Grace to you all over again. I get to wash you white as snow. I get to throw your failure as far as the east is from the west. The blood of Jesus on the cross is covering you yet again and again and again. Justice is passing over you again and again and again. You are getting what you do not deserve every time. My Grace is sufficient.

You see, I have a little bit of this holiness thing somewhere in me. Something in me feels like I have to earn Grace once it was given for free. I think that first step is easy. God forgave me of all of my sin before I knew Him. It is an amazing gift, but one that can be grasped because I were not yet in his grip. It is the failures after He already had hold of me that tear me down. I should be able to walk this thing out. I should be able to follow His most important command to love others as I love myself (which also implies loving myself). I mean, Christ died for me, can't I at least live the right way for Him?

Enter stage left: failure. It is lurking in the dark and waiting to pull me down. It is waiting patiently (for it won't be long until it rears its ugly head) to remind me that no matter how hard I try, I will come up short. I think many have been on this exhausting cycle - determined to follow through on devotions or a particular mission or a calling you feel you have. Then life gets hard and you fall. You put it aside for a tomorrow that never happens. Then you beat yourself up and eventually, you decide not to try anymore because at least then you won't fail.

"Maybe this is the heart of our hang up, the root of our dilemma. We fluctuate between castigating ourselves and congratulating ourselves because we are deluded into thinking we save ourselves. We develop a false sense of security from our good works and scrupulous observance of the law. Our halo gets too tight and a carefully-disguised attitude of moral superiority results. Or, we are appalled by our inconsistency, devestated that we haven't lived up to our lofty expectations of ourselves. The roller coaster ride of elation and depression continues." - Brennan Manning

I do not believe that Grace gives us a free pass to sin. I do believe that when we do sin, the heavens are opened up to rain Grace down on us and show us the mercy of God yet again. Who can appreciate Grace  more than one who has been a receiver of it again and again? Who is more honest with God than one who has embraced His forgiveness and allowed ourselves to be laid bare before Him? When we try to cover our sin and do good for the world, it is almost like we are building our own Tower of Babel brick by brick. The more good works we do, the higher our tower gets until at last we have reached God out of our own good deeds.

This does not mean that I have cast aside my will to do what is right. I am striving to lay all of my deeds, good and bad and the foot of the cross. I know that Christ in me strengthens me. I know that Christ in me allows me to love others. I know that Christ in me turns away from evil and does good. I am working to stop fighting God with my own will, for it is my own will that fails. At the same time, I am thankful that I am not a puppet on a string unable to make bad decisions because it is those faulty decisions that drive me back to the Throne. It is those blatant sins that open me up again to be forgiven and for Grace to work its magic in my life once again.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. - Galatians 5:22-24 (Message)

"I lose sight of God, then when I regain Him fully, I cry His name louder than before." (From my high school journal)

Seeking Grace

Today I did something I always imagine doing, but never find time. I went to the park with a book, sat in the sun, listened to nature, and enjoyed our world. While Ellie was at school, I actually took time to stop, instead of running as fast as I could from errand to errand and chore to chore. (Don't stop by later because my house is not very clean...)

I have recently found a new love for non-fiction. I think I can almost completely attribute this to my current attempt to be more self-reflective. It actually gives my brain something to think about other than the monotony of daily life - what to feed my family, what to wear, what  I can do to stimulate my preschooler's mind, what  gifts need to be purchased, what I can do to keep up with everyone else, etc.Throughout high school and college I would always tell people that the second a book started to make me feel like I was learning something or becoming a better person, I put it down. I still see a valid point in this. Reading is a thing I like to do for pure enjoyment, not for learning or growing. However, I have a new reason to read, a new focus. I am no longer trying to be a better person (which I decidedly fail at every time), but trying to know God more. To know His character. To fully embrace what He is offering. To see Him in everyday life, in everything I do.

Right now, I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I have read parts of his books, but am finally completing one start to finish. Manning is a Christian who, after being a follower of Christ for many years, became an alcoholic. It might seem like a coincidence, but my life is rapidly filling (either first-hand, or through books, etc.) with many people who have sinned greatly, even while in relationship with God. Being in relationship with God does not guarantee that we will walk blameless. Yes, in God's eyes, we are, but human we remain. We will continue to sin. We continue to seek forgiveness, but we do not repent to be forgiven. We repent because we are forgiven already, and we do this out of gratitude.

I am learning to balance (my favorite thing...learning balance in all of life) discipline with Grace. Many Christians would argue that there need be no balance because we should always be striving to be "better people". While I am not arguing that point, I will say that our greatest efforts for God are mere rags tossed at His feet. We can never truly be righteous enough for Him without accepting Grace. Manning says, "The danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth. Complacency in ourselves then replaces sheer delight in God's unconditional love. Our doing becomes the very undoing of the ragamuffin gospel." I have seen this happen in my own life. I become self-righteous about things I think I deserve a gold sticker for. This seems to negate any actual righteousness I have demonstrated.

This is a disease spreading not only through my life, but through the church at large. The "social gospel" seems to be the new religion for many in my generation. There is new fire for the widow, poor, and orphans. For doing more, doing more, doing more. Yes, we should be caring for the least of these. Jesus tells us to. No, we should not do these things because we are supposed to do them or because it will be those works which get us to heaven or into right relationship with God. Out of the abundance of our heart these things should flow. When we focus intently on God's perfection and the fact that He accepts us just as we are, our hearts fill up. From this overflow we can reach out to others. Luke 7:47 says, "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." We who have been forgiven so much will love greatly because we are so loved ourselves. Our focus seems to be on what we do rather than who God is.

I feel like there is a lot of tugging on an invisible rope not only in the church, but in our world right now. Social Gospel vs. Grace. The Green Movement hype vs. actual factual evidence. Democrat vs. Republican. The media can leave those of us listening to someone other than the liberal voices feeling a little like a black duck in a pond of pure white swans. They leave us feeling like we must do more, be better, reach out, hope in government. Do something quickly to earn your white swan-hood or be left to drift in your murky pond with the handful of  black ducks left. There is no middle ground. Swim with the swans or be left behind.

So, to me, life is all about learning and finding balance. It is about sitting by a pond and listening to the Voice. It is about growing and learning. Not so much me growing and learning, but about me growing in relationship with God and learning about Him. My encounters with God will undoubtedly leave me changed. However, my focus is shifted from myself to my God. From my own attempts at righteousness to His perfect righteousness. Out of this abundance, may I speak and act, not for my own glory, but His.