Seeking Grace

Today I did something I always imagine doing, but never find time. I went to the park with a book, sat in the sun, listened to nature, and enjoyed our world. While Ellie was at school, I actually took time to stop, instead of running as fast as I could from errand to errand and chore to chore. (Don't stop by later because my house is not very clean...)

I have recently found a new love for non-fiction. I think I can almost completely attribute this to my current attempt to be more self-reflective. It actually gives my brain something to think about other than the monotony of daily life - what to feed my family, what to wear, what  I can do to stimulate my preschooler's mind, what  gifts need to be purchased, what I can do to keep up with everyone else, etc.Throughout high school and college I would always tell people that the second a book started to make me feel like I was learning something or becoming a better person, I put it down. I still see a valid point in this. Reading is a thing I like to do for pure enjoyment, not for learning or growing. However, I have a new reason to read, a new focus. I am no longer trying to be a better person (which I decidedly fail at every time), but trying to know God more. To know His character. To fully embrace what He is offering. To see Him in everyday life, in everything I do.

Right now, I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I have read parts of his books, but am finally completing one start to finish. Manning is a Christian who, after being a follower of Christ for many years, became an alcoholic. It might seem like a coincidence, but my life is rapidly filling (either first-hand, or through books, etc.) with many people who have sinned greatly, even while in relationship with God. Being in relationship with God does not guarantee that we will walk blameless. Yes, in God's eyes, we are, but human we remain. We will continue to sin. We continue to seek forgiveness, but we do not repent to be forgiven. We repent because we are forgiven already, and we do this out of gratitude.

I am learning to balance (my favorite thing...learning balance in all of life) discipline with Grace. Many Christians would argue that there need be no balance because we should always be striving to be "better people". While I am not arguing that point, I will say that our greatest efforts for God are mere rags tossed at His feet. We can never truly be righteous enough for Him without accepting Grace. Manning says, "The danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth. Complacency in ourselves then replaces sheer delight in God's unconditional love. Our doing becomes the very undoing of the ragamuffin gospel." I have seen this happen in my own life. I become self-righteous about things I think I deserve a gold sticker for. This seems to negate any actual righteousness I have demonstrated.

This is a disease spreading not only through my life, but through the church at large. The "social gospel" seems to be the new religion for many in my generation. There is new fire for the widow, poor, and orphans. For doing more, doing more, doing more. Yes, we should be caring for the least of these. Jesus tells us to. No, we should not do these things because we are supposed to do them or because it will be those works which get us to heaven or into right relationship with God. Out of the abundance of our heart these things should flow. When we focus intently on God's perfection and the fact that He accepts us just as we are, our hearts fill up. From this overflow we can reach out to others. Luke 7:47 says, "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." We who have been forgiven so much will love greatly because we are so loved ourselves. Our focus seems to be on what we do rather than who God is.

I feel like there is a lot of tugging on an invisible rope not only in the church, but in our world right now. Social Gospel vs. Grace. The Green Movement hype vs. actual factual evidence. Democrat vs. Republican. The media can leave those of us listening to someone other than the liberal voices feeling a little like a black duck in a pond of pure white swans. They leave us feeling like we must do more, be better, reach out, hope in government. Do something quickly to earn your white swan-hood or be left to drift in your murky pond with the handful of  black ducks left. There is no middle ground. Swim with the swans or be left behind.

So, to me, life is all about learning and finding balance. It is about sitting by a pond and listening to the Voice. It is about growing and learning. Not so much me growing and learning, but about me growing in relationship with God and learning about Him. My encounters with God will undoubtedly leave me changed. However, my focus is shifted from myself to my God. From my own attempts at righteousness to His perfect righteousness. Out of this abundance, may I speak and act, not for my own glory, but His.