The Throne

My small group is reading the book, "Crazy Love". We just started, so I have only read chapter one. The author, Francis Chan, focuses on getting back to basics in this chapter. For me, it is not only getting back to basics, but looking at God in a bigger way than before. It is allowing Him to be as majestic as He really is. I think I have put restrictions on Him, but in truth, we can never exaggerate just how amazing He is because we can't ever truly comprehend it. Our words can never describe it. It is overwhelming, but also a comfort to know that someone who created our universe still cares about my well-being.

As I have been contemplating just how amazing my God is, I took the advice of the book. I read Revelation 4. It describes the throne room of my Lord. Or, at least John (the author of Revelation) tries to describe the throne room. How can we put earthly words to something supernatural?

(From The Message - Revelation 4:2-4) I was caught up at once in deep worship and, oh!—a Throne set in Heaven with One Seated on the Throne, suffused in gem hues of amber and flame with a nimbus of emerald. Twenty-four thrones circled the Throne, with Twenty-four Elders seated, white-robed, gold-crowned. Lightning flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne. Seven fire-blazing torches fronted the Throne (these are the Sevenfold Spirit of God). Before the Throne it was like a clear crystal sea.

Here is where I start to cry. If I really read this and really try to picture it, it astounds me. Imagine, the God who came to save me - the same on who sent His Son to hang on a cross, sitting on a throne made of gems and a nimbus (or a luminous vapor) of emerald. (in the NIV, it describes it as a rainbow resembling an emerald). I am sure this is not doing justice to what the throne actually looks like, but how can you describe something you have never seen before? In front of the throne are burning torches and underneath is clear like a crystal sea. What does this mean? Is it as though God is suspended on this throne over a sea of glass while the gems and rainbows of color and fire reflect off of the surface?And then my favorite part, "Lightening flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne." How will we be able to stand here? How can we fathom this astonishing power? How can this awesome force that can not sit still in a throne without a storm raging around Him love me?

(Revelation 4:6-8) Prowling around the Throne were Four Animals, all eyes. Eyes to look ahead, eyes to look behind. The first Animal like a lion, the second like an ox, the third with a human face, the fourth like an eagle in flight. The Four Animals were winged, each with six wings. They were all eyes, seeing around and within. And they chanted night and day, never taking a break:

   Holy, holy, holy
   Is God our Master, Sovereign-Strong,
   The Was, The Is, The Coming. 

Next, we have these creatures from Narnia covered in eyes roaming around the throne chanting. Over and over again. It might drive a person crazy to hear this monotonous chant. Unless, you are so wrapped up in this amazing wonder to even hear it happening over and over. Unless you are awe struck by the thunder and lightening and jewels and these creatures looking at you from the inside out. "The Was, The Is, The Coming". I talked about this recently in my post "Ancient of Days". Always has been, always will be - still makes my head hurt. These creatures are constant reminders of the timelessness of God. We are trapped in a time and place, but He is not. He is all time and all places.

(Revelation 4:9-11) Every time the Animals gave glory and honor and thanks to the One Seated on the Throne—the age-after-age Living One—the Twenty-four Elders would fall prostrate before the One Seated on the Throne. They worshiped the age-after-age Living One. They threw their crowns at the foot of the Throne, chanting,

   Worthy, O Master! Yes, our God!
   Take the glory! the honor! the power!
   You created it all;
   It was created because you wanted it.

Finally, as if the bangs and lightening and rainbows of color and gems and scary creatures and chanting were not enough, we have 24 elders (probably people we know if I were to guess...like David, Isaiah, Paul?). These white haired elders fall prostrate before the Throne. They throw their crowns down and chant their praise to God. They are awe struck every time the creatures do this and thrown into worship themselves.

So, we are supposed to stand here one day? We are supposed to gaze upon the beauty of our Lord? The Israelites were afraid to look at God for fear they might die by doing so. I can understand the fear. I think this is something "The Shack", by William P. Young, might be pointing to as well. God is someone to fear, but He is also Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He is man and He is God. He is thunder and lightening, and He is a still small voice. He is justice and punishment, and He is forgiveness and mercy.

The creator of the universe sits on this Throne being worshiped for who He is, but the creator of the universe wants a relationship with me. This makes me think twice about coming straight to the Throne with my fears, struggles, requests, even praise. It makes me want to stop, take off my shoes, get on my knees, fall on my face, and just sit there. Bask in this presence. Fear my Lord. Knowing that He is willing to hear me, but waiting and giving Him honor first. Honor in my silence. Honor in just sitting in awe of Him.

Reflecting the Son

The reason I started a blog was to force myself to become more self-reflective. I will read something or have a discussion about a topic with someone, and then within minutes the details are lost. The understanding I had gained has a fuzzy outline in my mind. That frustrates me. I know what I believe, and have gained  many reasons to back it throughout my life, but ask me to explain it, and those reasons are hazy and hard to form into words. Sitting down to form thoughts is good for my soul. It is good for my mind. It forms solid outlines where before there were just blurry shapeless masses floating in my brain.

So, what is reflecting? It is what you are and who you are coming right back at you. If you look in a mirror, you are getting a pretty good perception of what you actually look like. If you look at a photo, you have a vision of yourself locked in a place and time. If you look in a pond, you might get some wavy version of yourself with a few things left to the imagination. If you look in a cloudy store window, you might be able to make out some shapes and a little of the definition to your face. It really is where you look that determines what you see.

What is it that am I reflecting? Well, that depends on where I look, doesn't it? If I look at my friends, I feel like what I see coming back at me makes me pretty proud. This is something I am usually pretty good at - loving my friends. I feel most like "me" around them. Sometimes, however, I get stuck in that same old comparing struggle most of us do. They are more stylish, more together, more loving, better at their jobs, better at...whatever.

If I look for my reflection in my family, it is slightly hazier. My family is so varied. They come from so many backgrounds. Somehow, I am a part of them, and they are a part of me, but at times I feel like a stranger among my own. Finding the time and place to stand up and be truly honest about who I am and where my Hope lies can be intimidating. Yes, they are family and they are forced to be in my life, but yes, they are family and they are forced to be in my life. What if I say something to turn them off forever? What if I am labeled as the crazy one with that whole faith thing. Why do I care so much if I am the crazy faith girl? Because I want my God to be attractive. I want Him to appeal to them. I don't want them to see Him as a rule giver with punishments waiting to be handed out like lifetime prison sentences, or a cookie cutter God who breathes down on me like sweet smelling candy. How do I paint His picture to help draw them into this relationship that is above all others? How do I make them know that, YES, the tears will be wiped away, but that does not mean that they will stop flowing? How do I help them understand that my God just wants to have them on this adventure with Him? How can they make it through this adventure without Him?

If I look at my reflection against strangers, well all  havoc breaks loose. How do they see me? As someone who can do it all? As someone who does nothing right? As someone who cares above all else what others think? As someone who doesn't give a thought to what others' opinions? If I really try to look at my reflection through the eyes of those who don't really know me, then I get all tangled up, trying to be someone I am not or trying to boost up who I really am.

So, to the obvious. Where do we look to find the true reflection of ourselves? The answer is so blatant, why do I look anywhere else? God tells me who I am. Over and over He speaks truth to me and about me. I am whole. I am lacking nothing. I am loved. No strings attached. No rules I have to follow. Nothing but me looking at Him with wonder and awe. That makes me want to be more. That makes me want to be better. That makes me want to be who He says I am. That makes me turn and reflect what I am seeing. It really frees me to sit back in His embrace and enjoy this life without condemnation and fear. Without comparing and struggling.

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him. (2 Corinthians 3:16-18 - The Message)

Of course life is a struggle. I am human. God knows I will struggle, and when I do, He is waiting with His mirror. He is waiting to tell me yet again who I am. He is waiting to pursue me with no less abandon than before. He does it again and again and again. He is not tired. He is not angered. He IS.

I love the song, "You Are the Sun" by Sara Groves. It is about reflecting. It reminds us that it is not about us. It teaches us that someone else supplies the image to be reflected. Our job is to allow that to happen.

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can't be a light unless I turn my face to you

Ancient of Days

Blessing and honor, glory and power
be unto the Ancient of Days
From every nation, all of creation,
bow before the Ancient of Days
Every tongue in heaven and earth
shall declare your glory
Every knee will bow at Your throne in worship,
You will be exalted, oh, God
and Your kingdom will not pass away,
Oh, Ancient of Days

© Gary Sadler & Jamie Harville,
Integrity's Hosanna! Music, 1992.

I love "WOW" moments. I love when something that quite possibly should have been obvious to me all along suddenly bursts into my thoughts like a freight train and almost knocks me over. I had a "WOW" moment today. For those of you who are naturally self-reflective and thoughtful, you will probably think..."She never thought of it like this?" But, that is one thing I love about God. He makes all things new everyday.

My God is ANCIENT. I think recently I have put god in a 2009 box. He IS today. He is present in this world I live in. He is active in my life. He cares about the people living on this planet. However, today I had this revelation. He not only IS, but HE WAS. I had a picture this morning of what that means. That means He was when God who watched with pain as He saw Eve take her first bite of Sin. He was when He led the Isrealites out of Egypt.  He was when He watched Anne Boleyn take her final walk to the guillotine. He was when thousands of brave freedom seekers sailed away from England to find a new land where they could worship as they felt led to. He was when American planes flew over Japan and dropped an atomic bomb. He was when a wall that separated a country and a people came down. GOD WAS. 

And GOD IS. He is when young girls are rescued from the sex slave trade. He is when a beloved college pastor dies. He is when a mother loses her job. He is when a truck pulls out too fast or a tire swerves under a motorcycle leaving family left to figure it all out.  He is when we gather to worship and praise Him. He is when a family eats dinner together and laughs so hard food sprays on the table. My GOD IS.
 

And HE IS TO COME. He will be with us from now until the eternity. He will not forsake or abandon us. He will not give up on us. He will continue to pursue us even as we allow distraction to take His place. He will be with us even to the end of the age. HE IS TO COME.
 

This makes me exhausted. Overwhelmed. Awed. How can our God not tire? How can He not grow weary? He has heard the same cries echoed over generation after generation. We continue to walk away from where He has called us. We continue to hurt each other and Him. Yet HE still IS. He loves. He remains. He is unfathomable. Just trying to get a picture of this puts me into a state of wonder. It almost makes me have to think about something else for awhile, take a break. Just breathe.

The Eye of the Needle

Yesterday, I came across several pictures on Facebook of people that are or have been in or around my circle of friends. I noticed something about these people that was a common thread that I do not share. There were pictures of them speaking at conferences, traveling on missions, writing books, pastoring a church, leading worship...

(Small aside...I have a friend who says that when she looks at Facebook, she spends most of her time thinking that all of those people are more together than she is. That all of those people have more exciting lives than her. That all of those people have arrived. We know in reality this can not be true, but who puts the ugly part of their lives out there for the world to see?)

This got me thinking, what am I doing? Where is my mark on the world? What choices could I have made differently to be doing something "big" for God now? I felt inadequate, like I had missed a mark and had disappointed God in some way. What if He called to me and I wasn't listening? What if I have rushed through life to be where I want to be and missed His leading?

As I continued to consider what my life would look like had I taken some unknown risk, I slowly began to feel a peace. I know God has a will for us. I do not believe that His will is like some eye of a needle that we must jump through at just the right angle to make it through in one piece. I also know that if we do miss something He has planned for us, He does not throw down his staff, pull His fingers through his long white beard and exclaim, "Well that is it for you! Your life is going nowhere now. Might as well call it quits. I better call in my relief pitcher for this one and move on. Frankly, I am shocked."

Both our associate pastor at church, and my husband have recently talked about "your burning bush". When Moses came across the burning bush in the desert, God was silent until  Moses "turned aside" to look at it. It was then, when God knew that He has the attention of Moses, that He spoke. --"When the LORD saw that he turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, "Moses, Moses!" And he said, 'Here I am.'" (Exodus 3:4 - ESV) Moses had to find the burning bush. Moses had to pay attention to what was in front of him. Moses had to be available to God.

God wants someone who looks like us, sounds like us, feels like us, to take His word into the world. He uses our flesh and blood to "be God" to others. Sometimes that looks like a pastor, and sometimes that looks like a mom. Sometimes that is the person singing on the stage and sometimes that is the guy running the sound.

So, my focus is to keep my eyes open for my burning bush. When I see it, I will turn aside and look at it and wait to hear the voice of God. I feel at confident that right now my role is as a mother, wife, and friend. My heart feels called to service, but that usually looks different that I would imagine in a global way. I watch friend's kids so they can have some time alone. I make food for women who have babies. I teach the preschoolers at church. These are not big things, but God knows my heart. I know that these things can impact the lives of others in big ways.

I am not giving up on a "big" life mission. I remain open to God's leading. I am content to raise my daughter, love and honor my husband, value my friendships, and know my God more. I am also willing to share my time and efforts in new ways. I have decided not to be frustrated with myself for what I lack, but to thank God that He has renewed my spirit so that I am not lacking in anything. I will wait, I will look for my burning bush, I will turn aside, I will hear God's direction, and I will say, "Here I am!"

Just think—you don't need a thing, you've got it all! All God's gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale. And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that. (I Corinthians: 4-8; The Message)

Unschooling

Has anyone else heard of this? Tonight I sat at a table and was introduced to this concept of "unschooling" (apparently it has been around since the 70's, but is was brand new to me). Here is the definition I have gathered..."(Unschooling) centers around allowing children to learn through their natural life experiences, including child directed play, game play, household responsibilities, and social interaction, rather than through the confines of a conventional school." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unschooling So, there is no curriculum, but you teach based on what the child is interested in.

For example, you are at the park and you see some leaves changing color. The child asks you about this and you explain about season and temperature change. You have done a science lesson. You are at the store and the child notices that one item cost more than another. You do the math and figure out the price difference. Math for the day...check.  So, last time I checked, these are not teaching moments to pat ourselves on the back for, but this are what we call PARENTING.

What if your child never comes across any WWII history that strikes him, or she never sees an algebraic equation at the movie theater? Should life be child led? Where are the adults leading the child in the way he should go? Who is reaching out with a novel that that kid would have never picked up that might encourage the them to become a writer? Who is forcing this kid to sit through a lesson on physics when the child is feeling totally lost? Who is expecting work to be completed on time and done well? How does this method of "learning" prepare a child for life? In adulthood, we are often faced with tasks that we do not want to do. There is often an authority telling us what needs to happen in a given day. It seems as though we are raising a generation of children who feel entitled to have life go their way all of the time; children who expect privileges to be handed to them on a platter.

Now that I have a child of my own, I see the public school system in a whole new light. As a 5th grade teacher, I was a bit blinded to some of its flaws because I did not have a vested interest there with me. I understand why parents search for a "better way." However, public school with not shape my daughters world view or values. That is our job as parents. School gives her the opportunity to see the world through all different eyes, not just our eyes. School gives her the opportunity to learn more than I know. My knowledge is very limited (to about 5th grade...), but a school is teaming with teachers who specialize in so many area. Teachers with passions and knowledge that I don't have. As parents, we can not teach her in the broad spectrum that will give her more opportunities in the future. However, we will be here to guide her in the Truth and see that she is surrounded with love and support. We will be here to discuss ideas she heard that day and help her find that narrow path. We will provide opportunities to help her become a well-rounded girl with interests that just might expand beyond our own.

A Balancing Act

It seems to me that our lives as followers of Jesus are full of contradictions. I recently read the first half of Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. I stopped to read Grace is for Sinners by Serena Wood. Going back to Foster has proved difficult.

While reading the first book, I was determined and ready for what I could do to deepen my relationship with God; with what I could do to become stronger, more mature, more righteous. At the same time, I was feeling a bit condemned already, knowing that I am bound to fail in each discipline virtually every day. 

Reading Serena's book, I was faced with the truth that nothing I do can provide any more Grace in my life than I have already been given. The Cross was and is the ultimate sacrifice, and all of those steps I take to become "more like Jesus" only provide a way for me to become self-righteous in all that I am doing for God.

So where is the balance? I know, for example, that when Jesus referred to fasting in Matthew 6:16, that He phrased it this way, "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.". He is not focusing on the importance of the discipline of fasting, but assuming that as believers that we do it naturally, and He is giving teaching on how to do it correctly and without calling attention to ourselves.

I know that solitude and prayer and simplicity and fasting all play a role in allowing me to see the Heart of God more clearly, but how do I incorporate these into my daily living without patting myself on the back; therefore deleting the effect they should have on me and my relationship with my Creator? And, if I do somehow manage to keep my ego out of the picture, what do these disciplines really look like in my daily life as a wife and mom?  To steal a line from Alicia Chole in Intimate Conversations (page 18), "...intimacy with God is not on hold, waiting for me to control my environment and carve out serene aromatic spaces." Sometimes, as I read a book like Celebration of Discipline, this is the picture I have and I know I will fall short. I know already that distractions are waiting the minute the book is closed.

On the flip side, how do I fully rely on the Grace that has been freely given without living a life of faith without works? Romans and James are at it again. Tugging at each other until that perfect balance is achieved.

So, while I contemplate this see-saw of life that I am on, I am thankful for this: I have a God who wrestles with me. I have a God with all of the answers. I have a God who appreciates that I am on this teeter-totter with Him and loves me even when I am just sitting on the ground or hanging in the air.

I have a God who is not afraid to watch this teeter-totter go up and down a million times in my life, because He knows how my story ends. And there is my balance.

Beautiful Questions

My 3 year old has been asking questions. The questions have stirred something in me that is bubbling up from within and causing me to ask some questions of my own.

"What does conquered the grave mean?"
How do we "lift God higher?"
"Does God live in my heart?"

I realize that to answer these questions with some type of authority, I have to know the Creator with even more intimacy than when I am just the one asking the questions. In the same way as it was when I taught 5th grade, I learned more as the teacher than as the student.

I expected parenting to be a time for me to teach lessons and learn more about myself and my child. I did not expect to find myself seeking God with a renewed child-like faith. I did not expect to become the student while my 3 year old asks the questions for which I search out answers.

Ah, my Savior works in mysterious and wondrous ways. And a little more awe factor works its way in.