It seems to me that our lives as followers of Jesus are full of contradictions. I recently read the first half of Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. I stopped to read Grace is for Sinners by Serena Wood. Going back to Foster has proved difficult.
While reading the first book, I was determined and ready for what I could do to deepen my relationship with God; with what I could do to become stronger, more mature, more righteous. At the same time, I was feeling a bit condemned already, knowing that I am bound to fail in each discipline virtually every day.
Reading Serena's book, I was faced with the truth that nothing I do can provide any more Grace in my life than I have already been given. The Cross was and is the ultimate sacrifice, and all of those steps I take to become "more like Jesus" only provide a way for me to become self-righteous in all that I am doing for God.
So where is the balance? I know, for example, that when Jesus referred to fasting in Matthew 6:16, that He phrased it this way, "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.". He is not focusing on the importance of the discipline of fasting, but assuming that as believers that we do it naturally, and He is giving teaching on how to do it correctly and without calling attention to ourselves.
I know that solitude and prayer and simplicity and fasting all play a role in allowing me to see the Heart of God more clearly, but how do I incorporate these into my daily living without patting myself on the back; therefore deleting the effect they should have on me and my relationship with my Creator? And, if I do somehow manage to keep my ego out of the picture, what do these disciplines really look like in my daily life as a wife and mom? To steal a line from Alicia Chole in Intimate Conversations (page 18), "...intimacy with God is not on hold, waiting for me to control my environment and carve out serene aromatic spaces." Sometimes, as I read a book like Celebration of Discipline, this is the picture I have and I know I will fall short. I know already that distractions are waiting the minute the book is closed.
On the flip side, how do I fully rely on the Grace that has been freely given without living a life of faith without works? Romans and James are at it again. Tugging at each other until that perfect balance is achieved.
So, while I contemplate this see-saw of life that I am on, I am thankful for this: I have a God who wrestles with me. I have a God with all of the answers. I have a God who appreciates that I am on this teeter-totter with Him and loves me even when I am just sitting on the ground or hanging in the air.
I have a God who is not afraid to watch this teeter-totter go up and down a million times in my life, because He knows how my story ends. And there is my balance.
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3 comments:
Ashley! This is so beautiful... The balance of a written story which has no 'time' and the present responsibility to keep ourselves out of the way so we can be present with God. The written story gives us freedom and peace in the timeless story and the choice to be behaviorly responsible gives us freedom and peace in our daily story. Our circle of cause and effect is showing us the infinite circle of Effect being our Cause.
Beautiful.
I like what you are pondering Ash. I am 1/2 way thru the workbook for Celebration of Discipline (Jon ordered wrong off of Amazon :) no WONDER it was only $0.99). I had to take a breather. It is a great book - but overwhelming, and I found myself with the, "How can I ever live up to this?" feeling.
I was just reminded of something I read in the preface of this workbook that I think will help us:
"Neither law nor ritual succeeds in transforming the human personality, although, as Jesus mentioned, both often make quite nice-looking whitened sepulchres. A heavy exertion of the will may be employed to accomplish our goal, but the effort is doomed to failure. Paul Tournier writes, 'To depend on one's own will-power, one's good resolutions, especially against the impulsions of instinct and the determinism of powerful, psychological complexes, is to ask for failure and for a perpetual conflict which will destroy rather than strengthen the forces of the person.' **There is a proper place for the will, but it is not in transforming the inner person. The will functions in the decision to place our lives before god so that He may work within us..."**
So now Amber - time to use my will to help set myself at the feet of Jesus. But fasting while I'm nursing is OUT! :)
Ash, that is great. Love these thoughts. I, too, am trying to wrestle through COD. Started it over a year ago and still plugging at it bit by bit. LOVE your image of the teeter-totter.
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