Exorcist Moments

This morning we had what we have come to refer to as exorcist moments. Our daughter occasionally loses her mind to the point where we really think that at any moment her head will begin to rotate on its axis and fire will shoot out of her eyeballs. She has an intensity that I have never seen before. I certainly do not possess her strong will or fire, and while my husband does, he thankfully has a degree more self-control than she does. Sometimes these moments are brought on by something simple like which shoes she is going to wear (those don't match and these aren't comfortable - therefore, I am going to blow.) Other times, like this morning, we are greeted with the screaming the moment her eyes are open (mind you, our eyes are not yet open, so this is a great way to wake up.)

This morning, it was Ryan's turn to get up with Ellie (and the angels sing, do you hear them?). He travels a lot, so when he is home, we take turns getting up with her and making her breakfast. I think this might be the best system in the world. So, she starts off the day upset because she can't find her stuffed frog. Then, she moves on to a tantrum about not being able to open a box. She spirals downward until no one (especially her) knows why she is upset. I lay in the safety of my bed listening to the storm brewing in the hallway. I listen as my husband continues to keep the same even tone as he tries to talk her down. (I am feeling a little guilty for staying in my hiding place, but he is just doing such a great job, I hate to interrupt it...) I hear banging, screaming, and other unidentifiable sounds. This goes on for an hour and a half (and no, I did not stay in bed the whole time). This child has staying power. Finally, she throws down one more outright disobedient trick and we both watch as Ryan carries the new Barbie house from Santa out to the "trash". Here is where my stomach is sick and I am praying that this is just a bluff. Surely he is not throwing out the house that Santa spent so much money on and time to put together, right? (Trash comes on Saturday this week - please earn it back, child...)

And how is she now? Perfect. Once she has calmed down, she is back to her sweet self, full of "I love you's", hugs, and artistic pictures drawn for us. She can channel her brain power and read books for an hour and a half. She can do a 100 piece puzzle. She can make up songs or sing every word to a whole songbook of Beatles hits. She can navigate the web or play a video game. She has so much brilliance in that little head, I just pray that she can use it in a positive way. I hope that we can direct her as her parents to be able to make good choices and to practice self-control. If we don't accomplish that, then exorcist moments when she is 13 might have us calling for reinforcements. Right now, I am most thankful that these moments are not constant, or we might all be in lock down already.

On a Pilgrimage for Truth

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. -Abraham Lincoln


Ryan asked me the other day, "What should our untimate quest be?" Wanting to receive my gold sticker for the day, I answered with, "Jesus." (and a smile, 'cause I was right.) "Nope," he says, "Truth. It will lead you to Jesus, sure, but Truth is what we should strive for."

Sitting at dinner with my family, I was confronted with this. "What is truth?" They had an answer of their own. "Well, it is subjective. My truth is not your truth." What is good for you may not be good for me. Anything goes, really. - We were in a no limits conversation. If you have a thought, just throw it out there regardless of little ears or appropriate bounds. Most of the time, the conversation comes back around to how ridiculous all of those Jesus followers are anyway. -It seems to me that those who know the least about God have the most negative things to say about Him and His people. Those who have read the Bible the least have the most commentary to share about it.

In an earlier post, I said, "How can you value something in someone if you yourself do not understand it? How can you see something in someone that you do not recognize?" Once again, I have been trying to listen to these words. Again I found myself surrounded with those who would deny and mock the God I serve. Deny that which gives me life. Mock the one who engulfs my heart in love.

Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.

I feel like a failure when I can not find the words to shine a light on Truth, especially with my family. I look like a hypocrite when I sit silently while my God is being denied. I realize that God is not afraid to be questioned or denied. In fact, this just gives Him a chance to show His glory even more in the end. I also know that no words of mine will change a heart.  It is only an encounter with Christ that will change a heart and mind.

John 6:61-65
Jesus sensed that his disciples were having a hard time with this and said, "Does this throw you completely? What would happen if you saw the Son of Man ascending to where he came from? The Spirit can make life. Sheer muscle and willpower don't make anything happen. Every word I've spoken to you is a Spirit-word, and so it is life-making. But some of you are resisting, refusing to have any part in this." (Jesus knew from the start that some weren't going to risk themselves with him. He knew also who would betray him.) He went on to say, "This is why I told you earlier that no one is capable of coming to me on his own. You get to me only as a gift from the Father."

A run-in with the creator is the only thing that will transform a life. This is like a weight being lifted off of me. No words I say, nothing I do, can draw a man to God. It is only a personal encounter with the One who pours His Grace out that can change anything. But I so long to see them have that encounter. Once you have had an experience with the One, you can no longer deny His existence. Something in the depths of you has changed. All of you is brand new. Truth reaches out and grabs you and you can finally doubt your doubts. Holes can be poked into you self-made theology and all of the selfish, pleasure-seeking, convenient lies you have told yourself can drain back into the pit from which you were saved. You look back on your life and wonder at how you even lived it without the knowledge and all-encompassing experience of the Truth.

  

If truth is subjective, then what, exactly, is the point? There is no search for truth because it does not exist. Even your doubts about truth are you coming to a conclusion about something, and how is that possible when there is not right and wrong - no moral compass to direct you? If truth is subjective, how can we have laws or any boundaries at all? Who gets to use their truth to direct you? I just see so many holes in this argument, I feel like I am talking circles just trying to understand it.

If there is no search for Truth, then I think we can pack it in and call it a life. I guess you can go ahead and live it up first. Do as many thrill-seeking, self-destructive behaviors as you can before the lights go out and your time on earth is over. Just spend your days on earth doing whatever makes you feel happy, or numb, or entertained. Even saying that makes me feel hollow and causes me to long for something more for them. For myself.

I know the Truth. As John 8:32 says, "Then you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free." I have been set free from myself. I have been set free from living to please me and my earthly body. I am free to love others and to allow someone else to change me from the inside out. I am free from trying to live up to some standard or rules, but instead to allow the Grace of God to do what it was purposed to do. When I really allow God's Grace to cover me, I am truly free to worship and have intimate interactions with an Infinite God.

John 4:23
"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

But, what if truth subjective after all? What if I am wrong, even in my certainty? This is what I know. My life has meaning. My life is rich with Love and Grace. My life is worth living because of the One who died so that it may be. "I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia." - C.S. Lewis. My prayer is that those I love will decide to join me on this journey next to a God who has already forgiven them but waits only for them to accept it. I pray that they will choose to finally listen to the Voice that calls to them when they are quiet and most honest with themselves about what is lacking in their lives. I hope that one day they can love Him because He loved them first, whether they believed it or not.

Guards at the Gate

From time to time, I have had someone say to me that the lens through which you view your earthly father is the same lens through which you view your Heavenly Father. For years I have believed this to be true, but could not see the correlation with me. I would compare my view of each and they seemed to hold no ties to each other, no reflections that overlapped. The lines between them were blurred, but I didn't see any intersections. The gate that separated my thoughts on the two was locked and it appeared that it had always been so. As I stare today, something is coming into focus. By writing, I can adjust the lens so I can see more clearly. I have to step back and gain some perspective. I have to come at it from a different angle than before. I have to sneak around from the back f my thoughts, because the guards might see me coming and lock the gate again. I can see from the lines on the ground that the gate has been open many times, just not when I am looking for it.

From here is where I will tread lightly. I do not know who actually reads my blogs, but I do know that sometimes it will come up randomly in conversation and I find that people read it that I would not imagine do. I don't think it is a big dark secret that I did not have a picture perfect childhood. Few people did. I felt detached from my parents and the rest of my family early on because I did not have deep roots. I was shuffled from home to home from week to week and month to month. I remember it being said that I was lucky to have so many people who loved me and so many homes to call my own. While this was true, I wanted a soft place to land. I wanted a place to go to every night where my surroundings were familiar and where my future there was as certain as the rising of the sun. I wanted someone to love me enough to put me in their home permanently. I felt like my life was in limbo, like I was loved by many but wanted by none. That is a weird place for a kid; to have guilt for wanting more when you already have much.

When I was 9, I got what I wanted. I moved in with my dad and step-mom...permanently. I got a room in a house that was the same night after night. I had surroundings that became familiar after some adjustment. I got a luggage set to carry with me when I visited the places I left behind. But, every time I visited those who I had abandoned, I packed an extra bag full of guilt to bring with me. Guilt for not rotating houses. Guilt for leaving my mom and grandparents and sister behind. Guilt for being a burden for my dad and step-mom and their new marriage. Guilt for feeling conflicted about the whole situation in the first place when there were so many kids who were living nightmares everyday. Some of those nightmares had been lived by me and now I was awake. The nightmares had faded and I was safe.

If my story ended here, I would recognize the need I have for establishing deep roots. I would see the reasons why I value friendships so much - they chose to share life with me without feeling of obligation. I would understand my need for a home that will be long-term rather than a stopping place on the way to something better. But, of course my story did not end here. The lens through which I view God was not yet completed.

In the book Crazy Love, I was asked to use one word to describe my earthly father during my childhood. One word. Who can do that? So, I placed myself in my 16 year old body and thought. The word came to me. Let me preface this word with this...at 16, you have a limited view of the world, even more limited than at 31. You have a view that mostly centers on you and what you need and want and do. Even still, at 16, everything is shaping you and your world view. It is shaping you and your view of God. It is shaping how you will relate to Him for the rest of your life. At 16, I loved God with all of my heart. I wanted to please Him. I wanted to do what was right. I wanted my heart's desire to serve my Lord to be seen and valued. As an adult I understand something about value. How can you value something in someone if you yourself do not understand it? How can you see something in someone that you do not recognize? So the word I came up with was this - detached. I think my dad would probably agree that connecting with his teenage daughter was not his A game. However, this is not a blog about my dad's shortcomings. He isn't perfect, but he took me in. He loved me in the way he knew how. He is still growing and changing as a father and as a grandfather. No, this blog is about something bigger. 

I applied my word, detached, to my view of my God. It didn't fit. I don't believe God to be detached from me. I know His presence and love intimately. I was confused yet again until I heard His voice, "turn the lens around." Turn it around? Slowly, the view became clear. I saw something I had not expected. I did not see my dad's detachment, but the way I responded to it. I became guarded. I lowered my expectations. I hid from him in order to avoid a conflict or argument. I held onto my thoughts and emotions in order to preserve them. Here is where the reflections began to look the same. I am holding back from God. Some part of me does not trust  Him with every part of me. Some part of me is afraid of rejection and disappointment. There is a part of me that is passive in my relationship with Him in order to keep the boat from rocking. I know in my head who God is. I can tell you what the Word says about Him. I can show you where He is faithful. Yet I am guarded. I used to think there was a gate between my view of my earthly father and my Heavenly one, but I was wrong. The gate is between God and me. The lines on the ground are from the times when I am transparent and open, but I allow the gate to shut. I place guards on duty to keep me safe from the ugliness of what being totally vulnerable looks like. 

Through my life, God has been my soft place to fall. He has been my comforter and my shield. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, it was the lap of Jesus and He whispered of His love for me as I slept. I can not pinpoint where this picture of Jesus came from. I had some people who influenced my relationship with God early on, but He was not an everyday topic in my life. Despite this, every night, He came and He was. He is constant. I have no need of a gate between myself and my God. He is faithful and full of grace. He knew me before I was born, so what have I to hide?

Before I shaped you in the womb,
   I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day,
   I had holy plans for you:
A prophet to the nations—
   that's what I had in mind for you.

Jeremiah 1:5

I know that I can not send my guards away in one night. I can't take away years of self-protection in one moment, but I know someone who can. I know that through trusting and surrendering, I can see the gate come down.

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

   My grace is enough; it's all you need.
   My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

 

Clarity

"My mistakes make me grateful for His mercy. My blunders make me aware of His blessing, and my inability to undo makes me desperate for His sweet Holy Spirit's control in my life." -Jennifer Rothschild

Sometimes, God is not subtle. Sometimes He keeps telling you the same thing over and over again until you get it. Or, at least until you stop and listen. I feel like I am listening to a record player that is skipping to the same part over and over again, replaying the same show on my DVR, traveling the same bumpy road as yesterday and the day before. The same message keeps jumping out at me from behind bushes and closet doors. Sin. Grace. Our constant need for a savior. Over and over again.

In the not so distant past, I had the thought, "You know, I really don't know what my sins are these days." I knew I sinned because, I am human and we always do. I thought that perhaps even that thought itself was a sin because I was puffing myself up. So, I kept praying for God to shine a spotlight on me when I did sin so that I would recognize it and repent and move in the right direction. Sin used to be so blatant for me when I was younger. Underage drinking, gossip, pushing boundaries on inappropriate physical relationships, cussing, thinking bad thoughts about people. Then something happened. I got older and some of these became obsolete. Some of these sins that I worked so hard trying to avoid were no longer sins for me (ie: I turned 21 and got married). Or I saw them in a different light which made me reconsider the inherent sinful nature of them in the first place.

So, what did God do? Does he shine a beacon on me when I speak negatively about someone who I don't really know or sound an alarm when I lose my temper? Does He yell down to me when I am selfish or whisper behind His mighty hand to Jesus when I lay my head down while angry? No, but I will say those things are more apparent to me when I do them (which is more frequently I like admit). I do feel a bit of a nudge when I misstep, and for that I am humbled and grateful. What He has done instead of shouting my sins from the heavens is tell me what He does when I do fall. When I fail to live up to the holy person he calls me because of Christ in me.

When I come up short of what I feel I should be doing, God has a message for me. It is stuck on repeat in my head. -- I do not offer Grace as a one time installment. Instead, each time you fail I get to display my Grace to you all over again. I get to wash you white as snow. I get to throw your failure as far as the east is from the west. The blood of Jesus on the cross is covering you yet again and again and again. Justice is passing over you again and again and again. You are getting what you do not deserve every time. My Grace is sufficient.

You see, I have a little bit of this holiness thing somewhere in me. Something in me feels like I have to earn Grace once it was given for free. I think that first step is easy. God forgave me of all of my sin before I knew Him. It is an amazing gift, but one that can be grasped because I were not yet in his grip. It is the failures after He already had hold of me that tear me down. I should be able to walk this thing out. I should be able to follow His most important command to love others as I love myself (which also implies loving myself). I mean, Christ died for me, can't I at least live the right way for Him?

Enter stage left: failure. It is lurking in the dark and waiting to pull me down. It is waiting patiently (for it won't be long until it rears its ugly head) to remind me that no matter how hard I try, I will come up short. I think many have been on this exhausting cycle - determined to follow through on devotions or a particular mission or a calling you feel you have. Then life gets hard and you fall. You put it aside for a tomorrow that never happens. Then you beat yourself up and eventually, you decide not to try anymore because at least then you won't fail.

"Maybe this is the heart of our hang up, the root of our dilemma. We fluctuate between castigating ourselves and congratulating ourselves because we are deluded into thinking we save ourselves. We develop a false sense of security from our good works and scrupulous observance of the law. Our halo gets too tight and a carefully-disguised attitude of moral superiority results. Or, we are appalled by our inconsistency, devestated that we haven't lived up to our lofty expectations of ourselves. The roller coaster ride of elation and depression continues." - Brennan Manning

I do not believe that Grace gives us a free pass to sin. I do believe that when we do sin, the heavens are opened up to rain Grace down on us and show us the mercy of God yet again. Who can appreciate Grace  more than one who has been a receiver of it again and again? Who is more honest with God than one who has embraced His forgiveness and allowed ourselves to be laid bare before Him? When we try to cover our sin and do good for the world, it is almost like we are building our own Tower of Babel brick by brick. The more good works we do, the higher our tower gets until at last we have reached God out of our own good deeds.

This does not mean that I have cast aside my will to do what is right. I am striving to lay all of my deeds, good and bad and the foot of the cross. I know that Christ in me strengthens me. I know that Christ in me allows me to love others. I know that Christ in me turns away from evil and does good. I am working to stop fighting God with my own will, for it is my own will that fails. At the same time, I am thankful that I am not a puppet on a string unable to make bad decisions because it is those faulty decisions that drive me back to the Throne. It is those blatant sins that open me up again to be forgiven and for Grace to work its magic in my life once again.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. - Galatians 5:22-24 (Message)

"I lose sight of God, then when I regain Him fully, I cry His name louder than before." (From my high school journal)

Seeking Grace

Today I did something I always imagine doing, but never find time. I went to the park with a book, sat in the sun, listened to nature, and enjoyed our world. While Ellie was at school, I actually took time to stop, instead of running as fast as I could from errand to errand and chore to chore. (Don't stop by later because my house is not very clean...)

I have recently found a new love for non-fiction. I think I can almost completely attribute this to my current attempt to be more self-reflective. It actually gives my brain something to think about other than the monotony of daily life - what to feed my family, what to wear, what  I can do to stimulate my preschooler's mind, what  gifts need to be purchased, what I can do to keep up with everyone else, etc.Throughout high school and college I would always tell people that the second a book started to make me feel like I was learning something or becoming a better person, I put it down. I still see a valid point in this. Reading is a thing I like to do for pure enjoyment, not for learning or growing. However, I have a new reason to read, a new focus. I am no longer trying to be a better person (which I decidedly fail at every time), but trying to know God more. To know His character. To fully embrace what He is offering. To see Him in everyday life, in everything I do.

Right now, I am reading The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I have read parts of his books, but am finally completing one start to finish. Manning is a Christian who, after being a follower of Christ for many years, became an alcoholic. It might seem like a coincidence, but my life is rapidly filling (either first-hand, or through books, etc.) with many people who have sinned greatly, even while in relationship with God. Being in relationship with God does not guarantee that we will walk blameless. Yes, in God's eyes, we are, but human we remain. We will continue to sin. We continue to seek forgiveness, but we do not repent to be forgiven. We repent because we are forgiven already, and we do this out of gratitude.

I am learning to balance (my favorite thing...learning balance in all of life) discipline with Grace. Many Christians would argue that there need be no balance because we should always be striving to be "better people". While I am not arguing that point, I will say that our greatest efforts for God are mere rags tossed at His feet. We can never truly be righteous enough for Him without accepting Grace. Manning says, "The danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth. Complacency in ourselves then replaces sheer delight in God's unconditional love. Our doing becomes the very undoing of the ragamuffin gospel." I have seen this happen in my own life. I become self-righteous about things I think I deserve a gold sticker for. This seems to negate any actual righteousness I have demonstrated.

This is a disease spreading not only through my life, but through the church at large. The "social gospel" seems to be the new religion for many in my generation. There is new fire for the widow, poor, and orphans. For doing more, doing more, doing more. Yes, we should be caring for the least of these. Jesus tells us to. No, we should not do these things because we are supposed to do them or because it will be those works which get us to heaven or into right relationship with God. Out of the abundance of our heart these things should flow. When we focus intently on God's perfection and the fact that He accepts us just as we are, our hearts fill up. From this overflow we can reach out to others. Luke 7:47 says, "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." We who have been forgiven so much will love greatly because we are so loved ourselves. Our focus seems to be on what we do rather than who God is.

I feel like there is a lot of tugging on an invisible rope not only in the church, but in our world right now. Social Gospel vs. Grace. The Green Movement hype vs. actual factual evidence. Democrat vs. Republican. The media can leave those of us listening to someone other than the liberal voices feeling a little like a black duck in a pond of pure white swans. They leave us feeling like we must do more, be better, reach out, hope in government. Do something quickly to earn your white swan-hood or be left to drift in your murky pond with the handful of  black ducks left. There is no middle ground. Swim with the swans or be left behind.

So, to me, life is all about learning and finding balance. It is about sitting by a pond and listening to the Voice. It is about growing and learning. Not so much me growing and learning, but about me growing in relationship with God and learning about Him. My encounters with God will undoubtedly leave me changed. However, my focus is shifted from myself to my God. From my own attempts at righteousness to His perfect righteousness. Out of this abundance, may I speak and act, not for my own glory, but His.

The Throne

My small group is reading the book, "Crazy Love". We just started, so I have only read chapter one. The author, Francis Chan, focuses on getting back to basics in this chapter. For me, it is not only getting back to basics, but looking at God in a bigger way than before. It is allowing Him to be as majestic as He really is. I think I have put restrictions on Him, but in truth, we can never exaggerate just how amazing He is because we can't ever truly comprehend it. Our words can never describe it. It is overwhelming, but also a comfort to know that someone who created our universe still cares about my well-being.

As I have been contemplating just how amazing my God is, I took the advice of the book. I read Revelation 4. It describes the throne room of my Lord. Or, at least John (the author of Revelation) tries to describe the throne room. How can we put earthly words to something supernatural?

(From The Message - Revelation 4:2-4) I was caught up at once in deep worship and, oh!—a Throne set in Heaven with One Seated on the Throne, suffused in gem hues of amber and flame with a nimbus of emerald. Twenty-four thrones circled the Throne, with Twenty-four Elders seated, white-robed, gold-crowned. Lightning flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne. Seven fire-blazing torches fronted the Throne (these are the Sevenfold Spirit of God). Before the Throne it was like a clear crystal sea.

Here is where I start to cry. If I really read this and really try to picture it, it astounds me. Imagine, the God who came to save me - the same on who sent His Son to hang on a cross, sitting on a throne made of gems and a nimbus (or a luminous vapor) of emerald. (in the NIV, it describes it as a rainbow resembling an emerald). I am sure this is not doing justice to what the throne actually looks like, but how can you describe something you have never seen before? In front of the throne are burning torches and underneath is clear like a crystal sea. What does this mean? Is it as though God is suspended on this throne over a sea of glass while the gems and rainbows of color and fire reflect off of the surface?And then my favorite part, "Lightening flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne." How will we be able to stand here? How can we fathom this astonishing power? How can this awesome force that can not sit still in a throne without a storm raging around Him love me?

(Revelation 4:6-8) Prowling around the Throne were Four Animals, all eyes. Eyes to look ahead, eyes to look behind. The first Animal like a lion, the second like an ox, the third with a human face, the fourth like an eagle in flight. The Four Animals were winged, each with six wings. They were all eyes, seeing around and within. And they chanted night and day, never taking a break:

   Holy, holy, holy
   Is God our Master, Sovereign-Strong,
   The Was, The Is, The Coming. 

Next, we have these creatures from Narnia covered in eyes roaming around the throne chanting. Over and over again. It might drive a person crazy to hear this monotonous chant. Unless, you are so wrapped up in this amazing wonder to even hear it happening over and over. Unless you are awe struck by the thunder and lightening and jewels and these creatures looking at you from the inside out. "The Was, The Is, The Coming". I talked about this recently in my post "Ancient of Days". Always has been, always will be - still makes my head hurt. These creatures are constant reminders of the timelessness of God. We are trapped in a time and place, but He is not. He is all time and all places.

(Revelation 4:9-11) Every time the Animals gave glory and honor and thanks to the One Seated on the Throne—the age-after-age Living One—the Twenty-four Elders would fall prostrate before the One Seated on the Throne. They worshiped the age-after-age Living One. They threw their crowns at the foot of the Throne, chanting,

   Worthy, O Master! Yes, our God!
   Take the glory! the honor! the power!
   You created it all;
   It was created because you wanted it.

Finally, as if the bangs and lightening and rainbows of color and gems and scary creatures and chanting were not enough, we have 24 elders (probably people we know if I were to guess...like David, Isaiah, Paul?). These white haired elders fall prostrate before the Throne. They throw their crowns down and chant their praise to God. They are awe struck every time the creatures do this and thrown into worship themselves.

So, we are supposed to stand here one day? We are supposed to gaze upon the beauty of our Lord? The Israelites were afraid to look at God for fear they might die by doing so. I can understand the fear. I think this is something "The Shack", by William P. Young, might be pointing to as well. God is someone to fear, but He is also Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He is man and He is God. He is thunder and lightening, and He is a still small voice. He is justice and punishment, and He is forgiveness and mercy.

The creator of the universe sits on this Throne being worshiped for who He is, but the creator of the universe wants a relationship with me. This makes me think twice about coming straight to the Throne with my fears, struggles, requests, even praise. It makes me want to stop, take off my shoes, get on my knees, fall on my face, and just sit there. Bask in this presence. Fear my Lord. Knowing that He is willing to hear me, but waiting and giving Him honor first. Honor in my silence. Honor in just sitting in awe of Him.

Reflecting the Son

The reason I started a blog was to force myself to become more self-reflective. I will read something or have a discussion about a topic with someone, and then within minutes the details are lost. The understanding I had gained has a fuzzy outline in my mind. That frustrates me. I know what I believe, and have gained  many reasons to back it throughout my life, but ask me to explain it, and those reasons are hazy and hard to form into words. Sitting down to form thoughts is good for my soul. It is good for my mind. It forms solid outlines where before there were just blurry shapeless masses floating in my brain.

So, what is reflecting? It is what you are and who you are coming right back at you. If you look in a mirror, you are getting a pretty good perception of what you actually look like. If you look at a photo, you have a vision of yourself locked in a place and time. If you look in a pond, you might get some wavy version of yourself with a few things left to the imagination. If you look in a cloudy store window, you might be able to make out some shapes and a little of the definition to your face. It really is where you look that determines what you see.

What is it that am I reflecting? Well, that depends on where I look, doesn't it? If I look at my friends, I feel like what I see coming back at me makes me pretty proud. This is something I am usually pretty good at - loving my friends. I feel most like "me" around them. Sometimes, however, I get stuck in that same old comparing struggle most of us do. They are more stylish, more together, more loving, better at their jobs, better at...whatever.

If I look for my reflection in my family, it is slightly hazier. My family is so varied. They come from so many backgrounds. Somehow, I am a part of them, and they are a part of me, but at times I feel like a stranger among my own. Finding the time and place to stand up and be truly honest about who I am and where my Hope lies can be intimidating. Yes, they are family and they are forced to be in my life, but yes, they are family and they are forced to be in my life. What if I say something to turn them off forever? What if I am labeled as the crazy one with that whole faith thing. Why do I care so much if I am the crazy faith girl? Because I want my God to be attractive. I want Him to appeal to them. I don't want them to see Him as a rule giver with punishments waiting to be handed out like lifetime prison sentences, or a cookie cutter God who breathes down on me like sweet smelling candy. How do I paint His picture to help draw them into this relationship that is above all others? How do I make them know that, YES, the tears will be wiped away, but that does not mean that they will stop flowing? How do I help them understand that my God just wants to have them on this adventure with Him? How can they make it through this adventure without Him?

If I look at my reflection against strangers, well all  havoc breaks loose. How do they see me? As someone who can do it all? As someone who does nothing right? As someone who cares above all else what others think? As someone who doesn't give a thought to what others' opinions? If I really try to look at my reflection through the eyes of those who don't really know me, then I get all tangled up, trying to be someone I am not or trying to boost up who I really am.

So, to the obvious. Where do we look to find the true reflection of ourselves? The answer is so blatant, why do I look anywhere else? God tells me who I am. Over and over He speaks truth to me and about me. I am whole. I am lacking nothing. I am loved. No strings attached. No rules I have to follow. Nothing but me looking at Him with wonder and awe. That makes me want to be more. That makes me want to be better. That makes me want to be who He says I am. That makes me turn and reflect what I am seeing. It really frees me to sit back in His embrace and enjoy this life without condemnation and fear. Without comparing and struggling.

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him. (2 Corinthians 3:16-18 - The Message)

Of course life is a struggle. I am human. God knows I will struggle, and when I do, He is waiting with His mirror. He is waiting to tell me yet again who I am. He is waiting to pursue me with no less abandon than before. He does it again and again and again. He is not tired. He is not angered. He IS.

I love the song, "You Are the Sun" by Sara Groves. It is about reflecting. It reminds us that it is not about us. It teaches us that someone else supplies the image to be reflected. Our job is to allow that to happen.

And I am the moon with no light of my own
Still you have made me to shine
And as I glow in this cold dark night
I know I can't be a light unless I turn my face to you

Ancient of Days

Blessing and honor, glory and power
be unto the Ancient of Days
From every nation, all of creation,
bow before the Ancient of Days
Every tongue in heaven and earth
shall declare your glory
Every knee will bow at Your throne in worship,
You will be exalted, oh, God
and Your kingdom will not pass away,
Oh, Ancient of Days

© Gary Sadler & Jamie Harville,
Integrity's Hosanna! Music, 1992.

I love "WOW" moments. I love when something that quite possibly should have been obvious to me all along suddenly bursts into my thoughts like a freight train and almost knocks me over. I had a "WOW" moment today. For those of you who are naturally self-reflective and thoughtful, you will probably think..."She never thought of it like this?" But, that is one thing I love about God. He makes all things new everyday.

My God is ANCIENT. I think recently I have put god in a 2009 box. He IS today. He is present in this world I live in. He is active in my life. He cares about the people living on this planet. However, today I had this revelation. He not only IS, but HE WAS. I had a picture this morning of what that means. That means He was when God who watched with pain as He saw Eve take her first bite of Sin. He was when He led the Isrealites out of Egypt.  He was when He watched Anne Boleyn take her final walk to the guillotine. He was when thousands of brave freedom seekers sailed away from England to find a new land where they could worship as they felt led to. He was when American planes flew over Japan and dropped an atomic bomb. He was when a wall that separated a country and a people came down. GOD WAS. 

And GOD IS. He is when young girls are rescued from the sex slave trade. He is when a beloved college pastor dies. He is when a mother loses her job. He is when a truck pulls out too fast or a tire swerves under a motorcycle leaving family left to figure it all out.  He is when we gather to worship and praise Him. He is when a family eats dinner together and laughs so hard food sprays on the table. My GOD IS.
 

And HE IS TO COME. He will be with us from now until the eternity. He will not forsake or abandon us. He will not give up on us. He will continue to pursue us even as we allow distraction to take His place. He will be with us even to the end of the age. HE IS TO COME.
 

This makes me exhausted. Overwhelmed. Awed. How can our God not tire? How can He not grow weary? He has heard the same cries echoed over generation after generation. We continue to walk away from where He has called us. We continue to hurt each other and Him. Yet HE still IS. He loves. He remains. He is unfathomable. Just trying to get a picture of this puts me into a state of wonder. It almost makes me have to think about something else for awhile, take a break. Just breathe.

The Eye of the Needle

Yesterday, I came across several pictures on Facebook of people that are or have been in or around my circle of friends. I noticed something about these people that was a common thread that I do not share. There were pictures of them speaking at conferences, traveling on missions, writing books, pastoring a church, leading worship...

(Small aside...I have a friend who says that when she looks at Facebook, she spends most of her time thinking that all of those people are more together than she is. That all of those people have more exciting lives than her. That all of those people have arrived. We know in reality this can not be true, but who puts the ugly part of their lives out there for the world to see?)

This got me thinking, what am I doing? Where is my mark on the world? What choices could I have made differently to be doing something "big" for God now? I felt inadequate, like I had missed a mark and had disappointed God in some way. What if He called to me and I wasn't listening? What if I have rushed through life to be where I want to be and missed His leading?

As I continued to consider what my life would look like had I taken some unknown risk, I slowly began to feel a peace. I know God has a will for us. I do not believe that His will is like some eye of a needle that we must jump through at just the right angle to make it through in one piece. I also know that if we do miss something He has planned for us, He does not throw down his staff, pull His fingers through his long white beard and exclaim, "Well that is it for you! Your life is going nowhere now. Might as well call it quits. I better call in my relief pitcher for this one and move on. Frankly, I am shocked."

Both our associate pastor at church, and my husband have recently talked about "your burning bush". When Moses came across the burning bush in the desert, God was silent until  Moses "turned aside" to look at it. It was then, when God knew that He has the attention of Moses, that He spoke. --"When the LORD saw that he turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, "Moses, Moses!" And he said, 'Here I am.'" (Exodus 3:4 - ESV) Moses had to find the burning bush. Moses had to pay attention to what was in front of him. Moses had to be available to God.

God wants someone who looks like us, sounds like us, feels like us, to take His word into the world. He uses our flesh and blood to "be God" to others. Sometimes that looks like a pastor, and sometimes that looks like a mom. Sometimes that is the person singing on the stage and sometimes that is the guy running the sound.

So, my focus is to keep my eyes open for my burning bush. When I see it, I will turn aside and look at it and wait to hear the voice of God. I feel at confident that right now my role is as a mother, wife, and friend. My heart feels called to service, but that usually looks different that I would imagine in a global way. I watch friend's kids so they can have some time alone. I make food for women who have babies. I teach the preschoolers at church. These are not big things, but God knows my heart. I know that these things can impact the lives of others in big ways.

I am not giving up on a "big" life mission. I remain open to God's leading. I am content to raise my daughter, love and honor my husband, value my friendships, and know my God more. I am also willing to share my time and efforts in new ways. I have decided not to be frustrated with myself for what I lack, but to thank God that He has renewed my spirit so that I am not lacking in anything. I will wait, I will look for my burning bush, I will turn aside, I will hear God's direction, and I will say, "Here I am!"

Just think—you don't need a thing, you've got it all! All God's gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale. And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that. (I Corinthians: 4-8; The Message)

Unschooling

Has anyone else heard of this? Tonight I sat at a table and was introduced to this concept of "unschooling" (apparently it has been around since the 70's, but is was brand new to me). Here is the definition I have gathered..."(Unschooling) centers around allowing children to learn through their natural life experiences, including child directed play, game play, household responsibilities, and social interaction, rather than through the confines of a conventional school." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unschooling So, there is no curriculum, but you teach based on what the child is interested in.

For example, you are at the park and you see some leaves changing color. The child asks you about this and you explain about season and temperature change. You have done a science lesson. You are at the store and the child notices that one item cost more than another. You do the math and figure out the price difference. Math for the day...check.  So, last time I checked, these are not teaching moments to pat ourselves on the back for, but this are what we call PARENTING.

What if your child never comes across any WWII history that strikes him, or she never sees an algebraic equation at the movie theater? Should life be child led? Where are the adults leading the child in the way he should go? Who is reaching out with a novel that that kid would have never picked up that might encourage the them to become a writer? Who is forcing this kid to sit through a lesson on physics when the child is feeling totally lost? Who is expecting work to be completed on time and done well? How does this method of "learning" prepare a child for life? In adulthood, we are often faced with tasks that we do not want to do. There is often an authority telling us what needs to happen in a given day. It seems as though we are raising a generation of children who feel entitled to have life go their way all of the time; children who expect privileges to be handed to them on a platter.

Now that I have a child of my own, I see the public school system in a whole new light. As a 5th grade teacher, I was a bit blinded to some of its flaws because I did not have a vested interest there with me. I understand why parents search for a "better way." However, public school with not shape my daughters world view or values. That is our job as parents. School gives her the opportunity to see the world through all different eyes, not just our eyes. School gives her the opportunity to learn more than I know. My knowledge is very limited (to about 5th grade...), but a school is teaming with teachers who specialize in so many area. Teachers with passions and knowledge that I don't have. As parents, we can not teach her in the broad spectrum that will give her more opportunities in the future. However, we will be here to guide her in the Truth and see that she is surrounded with love and support. We will be here to discuss ideas she heard that day and help her find that narrow path. We will provide opportunities to help her become a well-rounded girl with interests that just might expand beyond our own.

A Balancing Act

It seems to me that our lives as followers of Jesus are full of contradictions. I recently read the first half of Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. I stopped to read Grace is for Sinners by Serena Wood. Going back to Foster has proved difficult.

While reading the first book, I was determined and ready for what I could do to deepen my relationship with God; with what I could do to become stronger, more mature, more righteous. At the same time, I was feeling a bit condemned already, knowing that I am bound to fail in each discipline virtually every day. 

Reading Serena's book, I was faced with the truth that nothing I do can provide any more Grace in my life than I have already been given. The Cross was and is the ultimate sacrifice, and all of those steps I take to become "more like Jesus" only provide a way for me to become self-righteous in all that I am doing for God.

So where is the balance? I know, for example, that when Jesus referred to fasting in Matthew 6:16, that He phrased it this way, "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.". He is not focusing on the importance of the discipline of fasting, but assuming that as believers that we do it naturally, and He is giving teaching on how to do it correctly and without calling attention to ourselves.

I know that solitude and prayer and simplicity and fasting all play a role in allowing me to see the Heart of God more clearly, but how do I incorporate these into my daily living without patting myself on the back; therefore deleting the effect they should have on me and my relationship with my Creator? And, if I do somehow manage to keep my ego out of the picture, what do these disciplines really look like in my daily life as a wife and mom?  To steal a line from Alicia Chole in Intimate Conversations (page 18), "...intimacy with God is not on hold, waiting for me to control my environment and carve out serene aromatic spaces." Sometimes, as I read a book like Celebration of Discipline, this is the picture I have and I know I will fall short. I know already that distractions are waiting the minute the book is closed.

On the flip side, how do I fully rely on the Grace that has been freely given without living a life of faith without works? Romans and James are at it again. Tugging at each other until that perfect balance is achieved.

So, while I contemplate this see-saw of life that I am on, I am thankful for this: I have a God who wrestles with me. I have a God with all of the answers. I have a God who appreciates that I am on this teeter-totter with Him and loves me even when I am just sitting on the ground or hanging in the air.

I have a God who is not afraid to watch this teeter-totter go up and down a million times in my life, because He knows how my story ends. And there is my balance.

Beautiful Questions

My 3 year old has been asking questions. The questions have stirred something in me that is bubbling up from within and causing me to ask some questions of my own.

"What does conquered the grave mean?"
How do we "lift God higher?"
"Does God live in my heart?"

I realize that to answer these questions with some type of authority, I have to know the Creator with even more intimacy than when I am just the one asking the questions. In the same way as it was when I taught 5th grade, I learned more as the teacher than as the student.

I expected parenting to be a time for me to teach lessons and learn more about myself and my child. I did not expect to find myself seeking God with a renewed child-like faith. I did not expect to become the student while my 3 year old asks the questions for which I search out answers.

Ah, my Savior works in mysterious and wondrous ways. And a little more awe factor works its way in.