Clarity

"My mistakes make me grateful for His mercy. My blunders make me aware of His blessing, and my inability to undo makes me desperate for His sweet Holy Spirit's control in my life." -Jennifer Rothschild

Sometimes, God is not subtle. Sometimes He keeps telling you the same thing over and over again until you get it. Or, at least until you stop and listen. I feel like I am listening to a record player that is skipping to the same part over and over again, replaying the same show on my DVR, traveling the same bumpy road as yesterday and the day before. The same message keeps jumping out at me from behind bushes and closet doors. Sin. Grace. Our constant need for a savior. Over and over again.

In the not so distant past, I had the thought, "You know, I really don't know what my sins are these days." I knew I sinned because, I am human and we always do. I thought that perhaps even that thought itself was a sin because I was puffing myself up. So, I kept praying for God to shine a spotlight on me when I did sin so that I would recognize it and repent and move in the right direction. Sin used to be so blatant for me when I was younger. Underage drinking, gossip, pushing boundaries on inappropriate physical relationships, cussing, thinking bad thoughts about people. Then something happened. I got older and some of these became obsolete. Some of these sins that I worked so hard trying to avoid were no longer sins for me (ie: I turned 21 and got married). Or I saw them in a different light which made me reconsider the inherent sinful nature of them in the first place.

So, what did God do? Does he shine a beacon on me when I speak negatively about someone who I don't really know or sound an alarm when I lose my temper? Does He yell down to me when I am selfish or whisper behind His mighty hand to Jesus when I lay my head down while angry? No, but I will say those things are more apparent to me when I do them (which is more frequently I like admit). I do feel a bit of a nudge when I misstep, and for that I am humbled and grateful. What He has done instead of shouting my sins from the heavens is tell me what He does when I do fall. When I fail to live up to the holy person he calls me because of Christ in me.

When I come up short of what I feel I should be doing, God has a message for me. It is stuck on repeat in my head. -- I do not offer Grace as a one time installment. Instead, each time you fail I get to display my Grace to you all over again. I get to wash you white as snow. I get to throw your failure as far as the east is from the west. The blood of Jesus on the cross is covering you yet again and again and again. Justice is passing over you again and again and again. You are getting what you do not deserve every time. My Grace is sufficient.

You see, I have a little bit of this holiness thing somewhere in me. Something in me feels like I have to earn Grace once it was given for free. I think that first step is easy. God forgave me of all of my sin before I knew Him. It is an amazing gift, but one that can be grasped because I were not yet in his grip. It is the failures after He already had hold of me that tear me down. I should be able to walk this thing out. I should be able to follow His most important command to love others as I love myself (which also implies loving myself). I mean, Christ died for me, can't I at least live the right way for Him?

Enter stage left: failure. It is lurking in the dark and waiting to pull me down. It is waiting patiently (for it won't be long until it rears its ugly head) to remind me that no matter how hard I try, I will come up short. I think many have been on this exhausting cycle - determined to follow through on devotions or a particular mission or a calling you feel you have. Then life gets hard and you fall. You put it aside for a tomorrow that never happens. Then you beat yourself up and eventually, you decide not to try anymore because at least then you won't fail.

"Maybe this is the heart of our hang up, the root of our dilemma. We fluctuate between castigating ourselves and congratulating ourselves because we are deluded into thinking we save ourselves. We develop a false sense of security from our good works and scrupulous observance of the law. Our halo gets too tight and a carefully-disguised attitude of moral superiority results. Or, we are appalled by our inconsistency, devestated that we haven't lived up to our lofty expectations of ourselves. The roller coaster ride of elation and depression continues." - Brennan Manning

I do not believe that Grace gives us a free pass to sin. I do believe that when we do sin, the heavens are opened up to rain Grace down on us and show us the mercy of God yet again. Who can appreciate Grace  more than one who has been a receiver of it again and again? Who is more honest with God than one who has embraced His forgiveness and allowed ourselves to be laid bare before Him? When we try to cover our sin and do good for the world, it is almost like we are building our own Tower of Babel brick by brick. The more good works we do, the higher our tower gets until at last we have reached God out of our own good deeds.

This does not mean that I have cast aside my will to do what is right. I am striving to lay all of my deeds, good and bad and the foot of the cross. I know that Christ in me strengthens me. I know that Christ in me allows me to love others. I know that Christ in me turns away from evil and does good. I am working to stop fighting God with my own will, for it is my own will that fails. At the same time, I am thankful that I am not a puppet on a string unable to make bad decisions because it is those faulty decisions that drive me back to the Throne. It is those blatant sins that open me up again to be forgiven and for Grace to work its magic in my life once again.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified. - Galatians 5:22-24 (Message)

"I lose sight of God, then when I regain Him fully, I cry His name louder than before." (From my high school journal)